Tag Archives: Break Up

The Pity Party

17 Aug

I’ve never really been one for the pity party

In fact I’ve never really had the opportunity to throw one for myself until last week. I’m not talking about the daily whinge after work about the woman that makes you want to scratch your eyes out, or the bitching to your girlfriend about the latest assclown you have dated…I’m talking about a full on ‘woe is me’ pity party.

I spoke to a very good friend of mine, who tells me that the pity party is a complete and necessary part of life. She indeed, had her own version on the same night as I, where she sat in, ordered a large pizza and a black forest gateaux and devoured it through tears.

So what makes a good pity party, you ask?

Here are the necessities:

Location: Your house, probably the floor or a couch. Somewhere where no one else can see you as you slober your words, and preferably where you can lay flat and scream obscenities.

Food: Basically anything fatty or sugary. Pizza works a treat or ideally something with a lot of dairy in my case. If you are already at the pity party, you may as well throw in a few ‘fat’ jibes along with a good case of cellulite to boot.

Drinks: Our friend alcohol tends to work the best on special occasions such as these. Gin or Rum if you really want a cracker of a night. Although, that said I have also found the ice-cream spider to be quite acceptable as it can take you back to times when you used to run under the sprinkler and ‘life was just so much easier then’ sigh.

Dress Code: Your underwear, the ones that are too small and the elastic is gone in the waist. This or a version of bleached track suit pants and that t-shirt someone was giving away at work as part of a merchandise drive.

Sound Track: Any sad songs, something by Mary J Blige tends to work well. Pretend you’re bad ass rap lover has been shot by a member of the crips and you are avenging his death through song.

Entertainment: It’s important to compile a list of things to worry about. Follow this up with condemning yourself and others for not being perfect. Grab a copy of Vogue and compare yourself to Miranda Kerr. Suspect everybody has a plot against you and then blame yourself for everything that has possibly gone wrong in your life.  Switch on ‘MTV Cribs’ in the background of all of this to remind yourself that you will never be that rich or that famous.

Time: Anywhere from 6- 12 hours should be suitable

Invitees: You

Anything Else: Tissues, a bucket (just in case you progress to the vomit cry) ensure you also haven’t washed your hair, had a manicure or pedicure, exfoliated or moisturised, or shaved your legs. It is crucial to feel as disgusting as possible during the pity party.

However, once it’s over, it’s important to take the time to recover as you really don’t want this pity party to proceed to ‘poor me syndrome’. This is where martyrdom kicks in and even your own mother wants to set you on fire because she can’t stand your slobbering any more.


Who’s up for a cup of loco?

20 Jul

So, I sent my first post to a very good friend of mine N, who in turn sent it to a relation of hers who is a writer.

“Yeah it’s good” he said, “but where’s the ‘juice?'”.

Meh…I’ve always been impartial to juice. I hate the floaty bits that get stuck in my teeth, I am one of those freaks, that ‘pulp free’ juice was made for. (Don’t shake your head at me)

To be honest, I really didn’t want to put the ‘spices’ as I used to call pulp as a child, into this blog. I mean really, who wants to hear some girl go on about her ex. How well…jaded and very cliche.

But really, I should have realised, that no-body cares for a story without the spice. How can I talk about this whole new world of singledom without filling people up on a cup of my tawdry past juice.

I hope you’re thirsty, because you’re about to get a mouthful.

“What happened between you and your partner” he said.

The answer is:

….Beats me

Seriously, I haven’t got any real idea.

The ‘love of my life’ just so happened to be planning the honeymoon with me on the day that he unilaterally tore my heart still beating out of my chest.

He came home, asked me if I had eaten dinner, and then blurted out ” I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. Yes, that old chestnut.

To say I went into shock would be…..well an understatement.

I asked for reasons, and to be honest I have never gotten a straight answer. It changed every time I spoke to him.

Some of my personal favourites though are listed below for your reading pleasure:

  • “I didn’t cry when I proposed to you, so that means it’s not right” Yes, I suppose you are right and a + b = emotional retardation.
  • “But I really wanted it to be real” (cue psychadelic music & the consumption of too many illicit drugs) WTF
  • “I haven’t loved you for eighteen months anyway” Really? You could of fooled me assclown, a mere six months before you were down on your knees asking me to be your wife, how could I have been so stupid to not see the signs?!
  • “I don’t find you inspirational” Sorry, I forgot this was part of my job description. I’ll have to remember to put ‘climb mount Kilimanjaro’ on the list for next time to ensure a happy and successful relationship.

With these types of insights straight from the cocktail can of crazy, I have not been able to really come to a conclusion about why my partner and I are no longer together. I am sure that he has his real reasons, but I know that I will never probably find out what they are. Well…not from him anyway.

Right, think we’ve all overdosed on the juice now. Time to get back to my new life. Edward Cullen is waiting for me upstairs.